on being human

i dont think it is an exaggeration to say that i grew up on london underground.

for seven years of my life, from the age of 11-18 i travelled for at least 2 hours each day to and from school on the underground, or as londoners refer to its extensive subway, the tube. my particular stomping ground included the metropolitan line and the circle lines between baker street and euston square - those directly targeted by thursday's horrific attacks.

there is a common phenomenon after terror incidents whereby people talk about how they could have been there. even when clearly they were nowhere near on the day, they still talk about their connections to the site and how they or their family or their neighbors are somehow intricately linked to the place and thats why its all the more shocking.

i hate this. i find the need to contextualize something in one's own world in order to provoke meaning selfish and egotistical. my disdain for this self-centered response is probably behind my cultivated subdued and often muted response to all forms of terror incidents in israel.

i found out about the attacks in london as i was boarding a domestic U.S. flight and learned more about the disaster on various satellite tv channels during the flight. as i heard familiar place names mispronouced by several international reporters and then, having arrived in LA at A's family, tried to explain that 'no my family was nowhere near but...' i realized that in addition to being selfish and egotistical the need to identify was an unavoidable and genuinely human reaction.

for even though i havent lived in london for over ten years and not used london underground on a regular basis for nearly 15 years; even though my parents live and work in the suburbs and the school that i went to in the center of London moved two years ago to right near my parents house; even though london being the huge populous place that it is i am pretty certain i wont know anyone directly involved; my history in the city has lef t me feeling inexplicably affected by these atrocious acts -- somehow i feel a diluted yet distinct version of the 'it could have been me - you violated my world' sensation.

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as a teenager the tube was a magical entity between parents at home and teachers at school. it was a land where i forged friendships, did homework, argued the cruleties of netball/swim on a winter wednesday, lost many a PE kit, travel card, calculator (much to my mothers wrath and dismay), discussed boys and generally grew up.

i have such clear memories of the trains and the stations. i remember when they were cleaned up so that the colour of the bars matched the line -- yellow for circle, claret for metropolitan, a kind of pink for hammersmith and city cos no-one really knew which line they were.

i remember how our relationship with the journey evolved as we grew up.
-- as earnest 1st years we'd arrive at baker street, jump off the train and run (see bulldoze all other life forms) anxiously from the metropolitan line platform to quickly catch that circle line via Liverpool Street train screaming 'hold the doors' as we charged lest we lose a second in our mission to get to the station in the quickest time possible.
-- as nonchalant third years if we felt like it we might stay on to Kings Cross and change to the northern line through to camden town so we could meet different friends.
-- as mature fifth years with major exams looming we'd be secretly relieved that there was a "man on the tracks" at edgware road which would mean major delays, possibly leading us to miss maths first period.

even as the news announcers talked about the terror attack at aldgate, i couldnt help by think of the glamour and luxury of 'an algate' - a direct train which allowed me the luxury of finding a seat at northwick park, my home station with no need to move until the final destination.

for want of better words and at risk of losing all street cred by quoting a terribly sappy madonna song, these stations used to be my playground, they used to be my childhood home.

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thursday's events were abhorrent and no less understandable than any that have come before and will (g-d forbid, although my trust is cynical) happen again.

my thoughts are with those who mourn loved ones who were killed, to those still looking for missing relatives and to those injured in the attacks who, as my experience in israel has led me to believe, may carry the heaviest burden of all.

i should be able to say and feel these emotions equally, whereever such attacks take place. if this is not always the case -- then forgive me, i guess i've discovered that i'm human.