staying conscious

we got engaged in june
we're getting married in december
add the 5 and carry the 1 and this equals a 7 month engagement

in a bizarre demonstration of the polar cultures that i come from and live in, the length of this engagement period has aspired distinct reactions from israeli and UK residents.

israelis think we're crazy -- what are you going to do for 7 months. call us up in november and we'll talk details then.

english people think i'm pregnant -- whats the rush, and you've only known him 5 months? do you have time to get everything planned. we'd love to come but we already scheduled our christmas break holiday 2005 in 2002.

personally i'm finding this length of time just fine thank you. this maybe to do with the fact that i also started a new job in August (same workplace different position) which has fair consumed alot of my energies, life and will to carry on. ho hum... its getting better.

but i even think that new job aside i wouldnt have wanted to do this any quicker.

i am discovering that being engaged is a bit like a hot water on my psychological wounds. its bringing everything to the top that needs to be dealt with and cared for, and in some cases ejected right out of the system.

and you cant even prepare yourself for it.
i thought i had.

a wise friend on hearing of my happy news called me up and insisted on lending me this book --the conscious bride. a must read for all women in pre-nuptual state, it goes into great detail as to how emotional turmoil is a given for a new bride and that it shouldnt be suppressed although it is western culture's tendency to do just that. this is a time of grief, loss, separation, hard to label emotions and other confusion which do not mean that you've made a wrong decision just that along with this incredibly right decision comes a huge amount of transition and adjustment.

so i read it and it helped. it definitely explained my random crying bouts and helped me approach the wedding planning in a calmer fashion. i told everyone about it. i sent it to a friend getting married in england. i even started planing the lecture tours.

yes i thought i had it worked out. i'd read about it so i was ready to be in control of this expected out of control state.
but i'm not.

i am discombobulated to say the least.

i never expected anything could get as intense as this, even as i have what i want -- A. does not cease to be a funny caring perceptive tower of strength and i feel eternally blessed to be with him.

and it is not relevant to go into the exact details of the issues that i am facing but suffice to say that they are difficult, frustrating, painful and hard... and yet it feels right.

i know i'm going to get through this and wonderful things wait for me on the other side.

but sometimes i just want to crawl up into a ball and not deal.

on missing blogging

i miss blogging

its been so long but i just didnt want to write an 'i'm sorry i havent blogged' posts. i shouldnt need to explain my life

• i've thought about writing up my post of 'things to do in ny when you're engaged' -- it was going to be full of great links and look i even had a cool title
• i've thought about trying to express how wierd being engaged is. the emotions, the sense of going over to the dark side. one day a militant single, the next a smug married in the making
• i've thought about finally writing about those things about religious zionism that i never finally wrote out and so now i am forced to read all those post-disengagement soul searching where finally everybody's writing about what i've been thinking if not saying for years

all this thinking and no ones going to read it because you've all given up this blog anyway.

when i created this blog this time last year, just before an existential crisis involving near drowning in my own tears and breakfast across the table from my parents in a florence hotel, was '32 and then some' a limited yet prophetic title?

was it always going to be just a matter of time before this thing fizzled out because my life was fizzling up?

whos to say -- afterall its hardly sane reasons that have kept me away. but i cant say more than that otherwise i contradict line 2

oh well this is a start.