whats the harm in trying?

it seems i've exploited the job interviewing and dating analogy too many times in my stand up routine and have angered the gods of online dating. last week i got a reject letter from jdate.

i shan't regale you with years of jdate stories as the experts do it much better, but you do need some background.

recently, after a number of years as a non-paying member with limited privileges and too many free nights i decided it was time to be proactive and pay for Jdate. at the bargain bonanza price of 300 nis for 3 months, this meant that i could now write to whoever i wanted rather than wait for Shlomi, 40, divorced with 4 kids from Bat Yam to drop me a line. so thats what i did.

i decided to go for the broader approach - i found profiles that sounded interesting, not necessarily thrilling but vaguely in the ball park. i also tried my best to ignore possible stumbling blocks including certain politicial opinions and borderline cliche essays. i really felt that afterall we are all adults now and know that whats on paper and whats in person differs naturally so its not worth analyzing every word . (oh how naive i was)

i wrote several letters out, a number answered, most not. i was ok with that - its par for the course. however one particular response really got my goat and seriously made me consider taking said goat, flying to the alps and taking maria's place in the convent.

the guy in question, who we shall call COD123 -- he gave an equally impersonal name, was according to his own description, as follows:

Strongly opinionated, but considerate – and I cook well. I have a meat-and-potatoes perspective on life, but having traveled extensively, I appreciate French wine with the meal. Though my sense of humor is readily apparent, its quality is debatable. Slightly, chronically absentminded, I learned to master acting as if I know who you are. When there are problems I look for solutions, and I find that a smile and gentle touch often go a long way. A good vacation can be spent reading interesting books or bivouacing in the mountains.

(i had no idea what bivouacing means but remember i was allowing for such faults as being a pretentious wanker so i kept reading.)

his perfect match was:

A woman who values a warm, vibrant Jewish household and has first-rate values, a keen mind, a healthy sense of self, and an outgoing personality. She is curious to learn about the world and is interested in exploring it, and she is refined. Also, having an off-beat sense of humor is key!

does this or does this not describe me? for those of you who aren't sure about my Jewish household sensibilities, if i tell you that its 9am on friday morning and i've already cooked a soup and two side dishes, would that convince you?

anyway given two mentions of humor in his essays plus the minimum requisite vital stats (age, education etc) i thought i'd write. my note was brief, witty and i thought distinctly unproposal like and non-commital...

Hi,
If I have to debate anything, a sense of humour is something worth debating. I write a blog -- http://32andthensome.blogspot. com -- check it out and see if my humour is off beat enough for you. Would love to chat if yes.
Have a good evening
L

(note i do give my full name on the site but dont think i'm going to slip up and give it here and ruin my longest attempt at anonymity ever!)

i thought at the worst the guy would say nice read but no, or maybe chat a bit about blogs and then leave it at that. instead i got this charming little ditty in my jdate mailbox.

Hi L,
Thank you for writing. Having read your profile, I do not think that we would be an appropriate match. I do appreciate the time and effort you made to contact me, and I wish you much success.
Sincerely,
COD123

i was amazed. this was truly nothing short of a reject letter. it wasn't even clear that he'd read my e-mail given distinct lack of blog reference (positive or negative) and the letter's overall automated human resources tone. i was to be sure, gobsmacked.

(Of course true to female form i managed to turn an element of this into self criticism. i began to question the possibly too blase impression my profile gives in regards to religion and the like, and so i quickly edited my "about me" section to mention more about my deep jewish identity yadiyada. whatever...)

my response was (i couldnt not, for the sake of womankind)

Wow thats a professional reject letter you have drafted there. Complete with impersonal name.

Shame, I guess you were innundated with resumes

Good luck with your search

L

curt and possibly too polite - a good friend said that i should have changed the second line to read "Shame, I guess you've received many of these letters yourself". but whatever, that was it as far as i was concerned. COD123 didnt write again and i spent the rest of the week trying to work out how to fit in a piece in my routine about jdate reject letters and men who cant even give out their real names.

shame i didnt.

this week's comedy came and went, and as with every performance i wondered whether maybe there'd be some guy in the audience who wouldnt be put off by a woman on stage and actually be attracted by it. (its happened before i'm proud to say). i even had a slight fantasy about COD123 turning up to the show (jerusalem is a small place) and leaving in depression at the opportunity missed, returning alone to a sad 70s decor katamon apt to flagellate himself for hours for his stupidity and arrogance.

anyway...
a couple of days later i was wandering the corridors at work and i bumped into this guy who looked vaguely familiar. we both looked at each other and i just couldnt place him but then he said -- i know you, cos you did the comedy the other night. quite used to such an encounter, i made my normal quip about "why dont they ever introduce the audience to me" and asked him his name -- David Cohen. He was complimentary about the show, we chatted a bit and then i directed him on his way.

and that was it until this morning when a stroke of creative genius sparked by some excellent left brain activity of chopping vegetables for aforementioned soup made me check COD123's jdate profile again. i looked at the picture and it was none other than David Cohen. i wasnt sure, but it made sense -- COD - David Cohen.

i couldnt believe it -- the guy had even had a chance to reprieve himself and failed abysmally. i checked his profile again but there was definitely no mention of lack of balls.

still not 100% sure i asked my flatmate if she knew a David Cohen (his real name is slightly less ubiquitous) and she said yes and photo-ID'd him. in fact she confirmed my initial intuitions about the guy which i had so sincerely ignored in the spirit of giving it a try.

so what have i learned?
- trust my intuition
- be cynical or be disappointed
or maybe
- its time jdate saved us all some anxst and got user reviews!

shabbat shalom!