fickle fear

this is me sky diving over wanaka in new zealand. 9000 ft drop - 30 seconds free fall - the guy behind me is jan. fabulous, fanstastic, amazing - an exhilarating experience which you can read about in my travel journal.... but not yet.

why?

well because obviously i am using this photo as a trigger for an entirely different discussion and not to hark back to adventures past.

oh, ok

so my question is this. why do i have no fear (or negligible amounts) when it comes to skydiving, rollercoasters, light aircrafts planes (as small as a 2 seater), microlytes, paragliding or anything airbound but the thought of failing in front of an audience, of not delivering the perfect performance, of not being entirely original and new each time, paralyse me with fear?

i just came from a meeting with two fellow comedians in preparation of the comedy nights we have coming up next week and to discuss the real possibility of performing regularly and i am ashamed of how negative i was. my fear of not being good enough is projected on to any possibility of actually getting the practice i need and moving to making comedy a larger part of my life and i found myself shooting down any optimistic suggestion. luckily the organizer has a thick enough skin to ignore my blocked artist sabateur streak but i have to go home with it.

what am i scared of? of actually following a dream, or even just admitting to it? why am i so fearful of just talking when i can take real physical risks so lightly?

(to be honest even as i write this i'm worried that i havent posted a "funny" post for a while so maybe i'm not doing this right either)

as any good therapist or even Dr Phil (who is fierce competition for Oprah at the moment for providing with my daily pre-work sob) would say - asking why i feel a certain way is a thankless and pointless quest. I need to accept my feelings for what they are and deal with them.

alright then, here's some positive affirmations
-- i hearby embrace my fear, recognize it, validate it and tell it to f**k right off.
-- i will be very funny on sunday night even with my old material -- it made you laugh before so you'll laugh again, but this time harder
-- i am open to all the opportunities that come my way - because i deserve them

ok better stop this touchy feely stuff, before they strip me of my british citizenship

;-) LG