sing
i went to a haredi wedding last night.
strangely enough, 130 wedding invites later I don't recall ever attending a separate wedding. (that is men in one hall, women in the other and bride and groom seated along the mechitza). nevermind, i know the bride from a part of my life where politics and religious persuasions are left at the door so i was really v happy just to show up, not judge (how gracious of me) and just mesameach et hakala (make the bride happy).
the truth is i was quite surprised how little the whole separation thing affected me. maybe because the hupa wasnt majorly separated and there was definitely a certain amount of informal mingling going on. or maybe because it was just so clearly not my crowd that i could accept this is what these people do. as abraham lincoln (and my father in autograph books) said - "for those who like this kind of thing, this is the kind of thing they will like".
actually at a wedding where you dont know anyone (apart from a couple of good friends) its quite relaxing to be among just women. and of course i will always owe something to the haredi all women scene as the first stand up i ever did was at a women's open mike night organized by a women chozer b'tshuva. a frum scene indeed, but one that gave me space and heard my voice. a space often misleadingly not available in the modern orthodox and secular worlds.
i was pleasantly reminded of my latest attempt to entertain the haredi world when just as i was about to perform my favourite wedding shtick (head first into the buffet) a beshetieled woman came up to me and informed me that i was very funny. no i hadnt dropped anything into the chocolate moose -- she saw me do my routine in har nof last month.
anyway, all that and my general good and optimistic mood of late meant that i was able to enjoy it for what it was and i was definintely looking forward to having a good dance. (at any kind of wedding i'm always good for am aerobic workout which doesnt incur the cost of a gym membership) and dance i did but that was where i did get a surprise and a little saddened.
so what that the band was on the other side of the mechitza so you couldnt hear the music as well?
so what that most of the women over 22 were either pregnant or with children?
so what if this wasnt a closed event and that men were within a few meters viewing distance?
why didnt any of the women sing?
and why couldnt they dance in more than one crowded circle?
they weren't quiet, in fact there was quite a noise, talking - to each other, on phones. standing right in the middle of the floor and talking... just not singing and v little of that crazy enthusiasm i have felt at other religious weddings. i must confess i was disappointed. i had thought that surely here was ok. here there was no kol isha "problem". here it was 100% badatz approved to sing and show simcha.
i pray it was an exception but i fear that my open mike experience may have been the exception. i couldnt help thinking that this was the true reflection of a life where women's voices are so maligned and restricted that they dont even realize it anymore.
luckily i was in a good enough space just to observe and not get angry. and i really was v grateful for that because i dont like turning someone-else's simcha into a place for venting my own angers at the world and its religious and patriarchal establishments. no i dont think women should put up with anything but there has to be a value for letting people be as they want to (or think they want to) at least at their own celebrations.
my only rebellion was that yes i did sing. i teamed up with a few rogue 17 year olds and really had fun. a few women looked at me, most of them (could have been my imagination but i dont think so) appreciatively maybe even enviously so. and i danced, as i am want to do at weddings, like i just don't care.
funnily enough while i didnt care what people thought, i hazarded a guess at what they must be thinking... whose that girl/woman? she's a little rowdy and different but she seems to mean well. ah yes she must be from neve (infamous women's seminary in har nof known to attract women from all wierd and wonderful backgrounds)
well it goes to show that not only were my acceptance skills in good working order, so was my perception because not 5 mins passed since i thought that (and made a mental note that i really must blog about this) than the nice girl on my left who'd chatted with me a bit when i danced with her and her little sister (daughter?) turned to me in the middle of the dance and asked "are you from neve?"
i said, no i'm from baka but that didnt really register with her, so i just smiled and took that question possibly for the one and only time in my life as a compliment. why? how? well because if i can manage to blend into such a setting for the sake of a friend and yet still give off clear signs that i know of life outside this world, then you know what, i dont i think i'm doing too badly.
strangely enough, 130 wedding invites later I don't recall ever attending a separate wedding. (that is men in one hall, women in the other and bride and groom seated along the mechitza). nevermind, i know the bride from a part of my life where politics and religious persuasions are left at the door so i was really v happy just to show up, not judge (how gracious of me) and just mesameach et hakala (make the bride happy).
the truth is i was quite surprised how little the whole separation thing affected me. maybe because the hupa wasnt majorly separated and there was definitely a certain amount of informal mingling going on. or maybe because it was just so clearly not my crowd that i could accept this is what these people do. as abraham lincoln (and my father in autograph books) said - "for those who like this kind of thing, this is the kind of thing they will like".
actually at a wedding where you dont know anyone (apart from a couple of good friends) its quite relaxing to be among just women. and of course i will always owe something to the haredi all women scene as the first stand up i ever did was at a women's open mike night organized by a women chozer b'tshuva. a frum scene indeed, but one that gave me space and heard my voice. a space often misleadingly not available in the modern orthodox and secular worlds.
i was pleasantly reminded of my latest attempt to entertain the haredi world when just as i was about to perform my favourite wedding shtick (head first into the buffet) a beshetieled woman came up to me and informed me that i was very funny. no i hadnt dropped anything into the chocolate moose -- she saw me do my routine in har nof last month.
anyway, all that and my general good and optimistic mood of late meant that i was able to enjoy it for what it was and i was definintely looking forward to having a good dance. (at any kind of wedding i'm always good for am aerobic workout which doesnt incur the cost of a gym membership) and dance i did but that was where i did get a surprise and a little saddened.
so what that the band was on the other side of the mechitza so you couldnt hear the music as well?
so what that most of the women over 22 were either pregnant or with children?
so what if this wasnt a closed event and that men were within a few meters viewing distance?
why didnt any of the women sing?
and why couldnt they dance in more than one crowded circle?
they weren't quiet, in fact there was quite a noise, talking - to each other, on phones. standing right in the middle of the floor and talking... just not singing and v little of that crazy enthusiasm i have felt at other religious weddings. i must confess i was disappointed. i had thought that surely here was ok. here there was no kol isha "problem". here it was 100% badatz approved to sing and show simcha.
i pray it was an exception but i fear that my open mike experience may have been the exception. i couldnt help thinking that this was the true reflection of a life where women's voices are so maligned and restricted that they dont even realize it anymore.
luckily i was in a good enough space just to observe and not get angry. and i really was v grateful for that because i dont like turning someone-else's simcha into a place for venting my own angers at the world and its religious and patriarchal establishments. no i dont think women should put up with anything but there has to be a value for letting people be as they want to (or think they want to) at least at their own celebrations.
my only rebellion was that yes i did sing. i teamed up with a few rogue 17 year olds and really had fun. a few women looked at me, most of them (could have been my imagination but i dont think so) appreciatively maybe even enviously so. and i danced, as i am want to do at weddings, like i just don't care.
funnily enough while i didnt care what people thought, i hazarded a guess at what they must be thinking... whose that girl/woman? she's a little rowdy and different but she seems to mean well. ah yes she must be from neve (infamous women's seminary in har nof known to attract women from all wierd and wonderful backgrounds)
well it goes to show that not only were my acceptance skills in good working order, so was my perception because not 5 mins passed since i thought that (and made a mental note that i really must blog about this) than the nice girl on my left who'd chatted with me a bit when i danced with her and her little sister (daughter?) turned to me in the middle of the dance and asked "are you from neve?"
i said, no i'm from baka but that didnt really register with her, so i just smiled and took that question possibly for the one and only time in my life as a compliment. why? how? well because if i can manage to blend into such a setting for the sake of a friend and yet still give off clear signs that i know of life outside this world, then you know what, i dont i think i'm doing too badly.
posted by LG at 11:12 PM
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