32 and then some

my comments are back!

2006-10-26T07:05:00.000+02:00

so this is a non-official post that will probably be read by few if any but......

yay! my comments are back.

i considered blogging again a couple of months ago and was depressd to see that all my comments had been deleted. call me egotisitical but others feedabck kind of completed some of my posts for me and it just made it harder to be enthusiastic about picking up my blog pen again.

but they're back!

ironically (given my first statement) but now i know that nobody is reading...

maybe i can come back too

testing 123

2006-05-15T07:36:00.000+03:00

anybody out there?

methinks that my previous post may have accidentally been a prophetic metaphor for my blog's demise. (something like its ok just to stop - nothing to prove blah blah)

well it is true, two months and not a whimper.

two relatively uneventful months with such highlights as
-- my first seder and pesach with A (spent with rest of my family...)
-- chucking out 2 huge boxes of notes - and nine years of procrastination -- for my (unfinished) masters to make room for yuppy type wicker chairs on our mirpeset
-- trying to use recently learned mindfulness-based stress reduction techniques -- an interesting course to begin a week after your wedding
-- finally reconnecting with a writing group after a year's hiatus

hmmm hmmm
definite materials for thoughts and writing

then again i'm not the only one who seems to have taken a blog break -- this crowd seems to have as well (although this one's still in blog celebratory phase - oh the energy of the young)

and anyway i could choose to write about other kinds of things or in a different style ....
i know creatively i just need to write. the question is whether this is still the/a place to do it

hmmm hmmm
let me think this one out.

who nose

2006-03-14T00:58:00.000+02:00

i think i'm going to let my nose ring hole close up.

its not that i dont like it.
i love it.
its just i think the universe is telling me something and i feel healthily obliged to pay due attention.

i have admired my nose ring and enjoyed it being admired many a time since its world debut nearly five years ago.

indeed my decision to have a nose ring in the first place is possibly my favorite decision ever. (bar marrying A, of course but there's a point to be made here which discounts standard lifechanging decisions)

it came at a time when i was going through one of those life phases that was earth shattering for me, if perhaps slightly unnoticeable to the untuned human eyes around me. i was learning how to make adult choices. finally working out which factors and opinions were really worthy of consideration and which were just confusing background noise to be ignored (however hard that can be).

i remember the process. it was the first time that i was able to go from the stage of recognizing that this was something i'd like to do, to the stage of practical considerations -- such as is it expensive, dangerous, reversible -- without getting caught up in the nine times out of ten superfluous 'what will the neighbors think' stage.

it was truly liberating
and i was happy to have a constant reminder of this conscious healthy decision less than two inches away from my eyes, all the time!

as far as i was concerned the rest of the world could read into it what they wanted
... and they did.

-- i was both turned down because of, and accepted despite of , my nose ring, for at least two jobs.

-- i found that i could finally wear long skirts without people asking me if i'd suddenly 'frummed out'.

-- i was able to blend in with the 'young crowd' when traveling across new zealand and australia, even at the ancient age of 29.

-- i felt a distinct change in people's attitudes towards me. over night i was considered someone who was a little bit out there and for whom you could make no assumptions about. sometimes people seemed visibly riled -- why had i confused a good set of assumptions and thrown a spanner in the works of their standard place-people- in-boxes-for-safety routine.

-- i was allowed to consider myself as someone who was a little bit out there and for whom you could make no assumptions about. my standard place-people- in-boxes-for-safety routine was rocked at its very core.

-- not a few (often religious, sometimes married) men felt obliged to tell me about how they secretly found it sexy. they asked me if i could convince their wives to get one too... and whether i had piercings in any other places.

-- i became a new object of interest and wonder to those looking to expand their horizons. a married contemporary at a bet shemesh brit pointed out how fascinated her daughter was by the lady with the silver in her nose. i got the distinct impression that she felt that i had helped give her offspring a broader education by exposing them to the 'wider world out there'.

-- i developed standard answers to the questions like, how do you blow your nose; does it hurt when you sneeze? (the same, actually it makes picking it more fun; not as much as the other piercings)

-- i couldn't help but notice the not insignifcant number of girlfriends and other acquaintances who subsequently took the plunge (or the needle) and i felt duly complimented.

so as you can see -- it was fun.

technically speaking, it was quite easy to maintain but it was more squeamishness than ideology that kept my nose ring constantly in my nose for over two years.

it was only when i played a victorian lady of leisure in a superb mamet masterpiece that my nose ring came more detachable. the change came when my equally superb and dedicated director insisted that i learn to take it out for performances in order to maintain authenticity.

but although i now had the new pastime of playing with said nose ring in boring meetings (inconspicuously of course) it still stayed with me for another year and a half with no major event.

until i got engaged.......

an unrelated event one would think.
(especially as A had always been supportive if a bit ambivalent about it. )

but here's the thing.
two days after the proposal, having just enjoyed a dip in the mediteranean i discover that my nose ring has fallen out! yes fallen out -- for the first time in over four years (a time period which trust me had had its fair share of swimming and cavorting)

fairs fair, i replace it
but this was just the beginning of my travails so it seemed.
to cut a long story short, since june 2005 i have gone through at least six nose rings as they continue to fall out in wet and dry situations alike.

Note this includes a nose ring chosen especially for the wedding (see right), which was even handed to a friend with the rest of my jewellery for segula luck before the chupa!

most bizarre indeed.

unaccustomed as i am to replacing the ring, this has become a true pain in the nose.
(often literally as if i dont always get round to buying one immediately the first wearing can involve a form of minor surgery!)

which brings me back to my latest healthy decision.

having failed to buy a new nose ring for nearly a month and being forced to use an earring every week or so to ensure that hole is still intact (last attempt clearly failing) i've decided to give up the fight.

i'm giving up the fight and surrendering to the forces of the universe orwhoever is behind this change in energies.

and thats ok.

because as i've learned , having a nose ring is not expensive or dangerous and its clearly reversible. so if i really want, i can have my nose pierced again. simple as that.

and furthermore... all that other stuff i learned about myself is still true.
i dont need to prove anything (now or ever really) to anyone.

lord 'nose', thats the most important part of it all.

A rose by any other name

2006-02-03T08:14:00.000+02:00

Today's post is brought to you by a guest blogger - LM. LG is just getting over the traumas of assuming that something simple that most women do when they're married would be a breeze ... and then being mistaken.

it was my gut reaction when we got engaged.

i doubt A was expecting it but the look on his face when i said i would take his name was enough to tell me it was the right decision. LG would remain the comedian, author -- public persona in the creative realm and LM would be the married one just leading a quiet new life.

yes, taking A's name would be a gentle reminder of my new status, my new reality, a legacy that would pass down to my children (it can be traced back several generations unlike G which is more common than a disgruntled security guard at an Israeli government office) and all in all two extra syllables that i'd kind of been longing for all my life.

(another not to be overlooked advantage would be that the name LM would allow me the anonymity to post on local email lists looking for a second hand vacuum cleaner without 10,000 people writing back saying are you going to do a comedy routine on household appliances now you're married -- Dustdate? duster? saw you at the dustbin - a frequent occurrence, i kid you not.)

so how do you change your name?

forget passport, id card, bank account etc. these days your email is your name. your name enters into peoples inboxes daily and they will read it or delete just based on that

changing it at home was relatively easy. yahoo happened to have a deal on first.last@yahoo.com alias addresses a month before i got married so i had secretly been l.m@yahoo.com for quite a while. but now there was work. i'd seen what my other friends had done at their places of work. although a fair few had just left their name as it was or double barreled it, i didnt imagine that there was more to changing it than having my old lg@work address forwarded to my lm@work and c'est la vie.

but no -- it was a whole hoo ha.

you'd have thought i was the first person in the building to get married. (after a day of working on my computer the computer support team actually declared me the last). they *had* to change everything on my computer. today at work i am not just married, i am a new user on the system with a new password to boot. but withouth lots of my customized settings - no more beautiful desktop pics, email rules that filed boss' emails to their own folder and others straight to junk and auto-corrects in word which prevented me having to type any word longer than 5 letters.

i had to re-examine everything i did by rote - work out how to set it up again. and then when i needed the computer department's help again i found myself justifying the idiosyncratic nature of my workspace. it was very stressful....

ok smug marrieds out there (read anyone married more than 6 months). stop with that knowing nod or else you're going to hit your head on the screen. i know there's a metaphor there. yes yes marriage does require examining how you do everything all over again and thus brings a ton of adjustments. I KNOW THAT goddamit but give me a break in cyberland at least.

ok where were we?
still at work, right (whats new)
and then to add insult to injury then because the lg@work account is to be eventually shut down, they insisted tha i officially announce my new address to the office -- 500 people!!! (which if not embarassing enough had to be recalled and then sent again when i made a mistake)

what a statement for someone who didnt want to make a statement.

email travails over, last week i finally went to the ministry of the interior to change things officially.

i had considered double barring my name for official use only (ie to make the changeover easier). but on consulting the clerk she made me feel very special by pointing out that i wasnt doing anything more difficult or different than anyone-else and that i'd manage but if i wanted to be LGM i'd need to fill in another form.

she let me think about it for at least 30 seconds and then i took the plunge. LM i would be -- in the eyes of my husband, the State and this wrinkled looking gum chewing clerk.so i filled out the forms (the ones i already had) and then when i went to get my new ID card from the counter.

i dont know whether i was consciously expecting a little bit more understanding from the girl whose job it was to give out the new cards but if i was, i was disappointed. the woman didnt just replace my ID card, she actively took LG and threw her in the bin! as she printed out nice new LM i could see LG lying abandoned in a waste paper basket, gone forever. I didnt even get a chance to say goodbye properly. i thought i'd keep her as a keepsake.

i cried.

i asked the clerk if other women cry when this happens
she just looked at me

i cried even more.

it was so strange. i couldnt say exactly what it was. i havent changed as a person - LG is still in me. LG is the solid foundation that LM is starting with. its her wisdom and experiences thats going to make LM be the best woman she can be. i've been LG for 33 years and maybe in my mind i always will be. but this beauracratic move got me deep down inside.

eventually i was reassured that this was a hard step but still worthwhile. but not from any civil servant.

i called A as i was leaving the building and blubbed down the phone about not knowing who i was and why had i done it, i thought it was right but this was too hard and he was able to just listen and be there for me. he could have told me to pull myself together. he could have pointed out that it was my decision but he didnt. he just listened and said i know (and that was even before his first coffee in the morning)... i guess having someone like that in my life is worth more than a new initial.

(just to be sure i called a number of good girlfriends to check that i wasnt going mad and then that was that!)

i meant to write this post last week but didnt get round to it -- and that seems to have been providential as here comes a timely epilogue

last shabbat i got to shul pretty early (epsecially considering that i often dont get there at all). i go to a shul that davens separately but calls up women to the torah. i have no intention of going into the politics or halachic implications of this status as it is not relevant to the purpose of the story so sorry, just had to point that out so readers would understand.

apart from simchat torah (when everyone gets called up) and my shabbat kallah which i held separately with just women, i have never been called up. but as i arrived at shul at 8:45 it dawned on me that given my newly married status i could well be a candidate. sure enough the gabaiit approached me and asked me if i'd like an aliyah. i said yes. and then she asked me my name.

considering the week i'd had i hesitated -- what was my name, now? i thought and then i realized that as far as G-d's record books go i am the same person -- L Bat A v' R. i have been defined by my parents all my life and always will be. just as i cant change my parents i cant change who i am.

i smiled.

thank you G-d (holder of 70 names, how do you manage?) for that validation

---

LG will be back for the next post because, well you read the rules -- this is the creative realm (and an anonymous one to boot) so she gets to stay!

what every girl dreams of

2006-01-03T04:28:00.000+02:00

we got married!

although i have been only a rather casual blogger of late, on the merit of A the wedding received more than a passing mention onthe hip jewish website jewschool as well as wonderful online dedication by one of his closest friends who couldnt be with us.

(Note: i am totally grateful to have the event immortalised in the blogosphere by the former -- despite the total "out-ing of our true identities -- but i do feel the need to point out that the author's claim to have inspired my blog debut is a slight rewrite of history! his workshop did lead me to change my comments to haloscan but i guess as a media man that just wasnt sexy enough...)

to try and describe the day would be impossible but i would like to share one small part with you.

while some girls dream for years about their wedding dress imagining every detail of its style and feel, for as long as i can remember i have been doing the same...for my speech! i always knew that i'd speak at my wedding but the question was always how to balance the humour and the serious stuff, the jewish with the romance, the retrospective with the now.

so after years of planning in my head, a good few months of banging away at the keyboard and one about-as-perfect-as-it-gets execution, here it is....

my wedding speech

The advantage about being a mature bride is that by the time you get to your wedding day you do know some ultimate truths.

For example I know that while I may actually have a chance of fitting into – and thus wearing – this wedding dress again -- it just won’t happen.
I also know that the chances of me making it through this speech with a dry eye is about as likely as my mother saying “you should have eloped.” Thus contrary to some people’s expectations I am not doing this off the cuff/ off script or off anything apart from this piece of paper.
And finally I know a good person when I meet one. And I met one.

Speaking tonight is tricky because I cannot rely on my regular topics: Making fun of Americans, Kvetching about parental pressures and Sharing the angst of being single in Jerusalem.

My comedy routine is testimony to how much my life has changed – I am married, directly related to an American and our parents made this night possible with minimal demands.

So for those of you who are familiar with my comedy you'll know that there’s only one befitting thing to do before officially burying six years of material. And that’s to say: Mum – Thanks for asking – my social life is great!

---

A and I would like to thank our family and friends. Not just for what you’ve done for us in the lead up to the wedding in the last six months but for what you’ve done in the lead up to this moment in say the last thirty years or so.

To Our Family
In Kenton – that almost mythical place in London where I grew up – there was a verse from Proverbs that the community would sing in shul to the bar mitzvah boy after the Rabbi’s drash.

Shema bni musar avicha v’al titosh torat imecha
Listen to the instruction of your father and do not forsake the Torah of your mother

Although never a barmitzva boy myself, this message was clearly drummed home for me. Do not forget that parents are your primary source of direction and guidance in life. Their advice is invaluable, their care and attention irreplaceable.

Both A and I owe much to our parents in that respect. Your love, beliefs and efforts have helped shape us to be the people we are today. You’ve taught us your Torah and made us proud Jews.

Mum and Dad – you always put your children first. When I think of all the holidays abroad you could have had but no our education and Jewish social life were far more important in your eyes. You also taught us what it was to be an active part of a community – how to give of myself in that capacity – and how to receive in return.

R., L. – you made a life changing move to ensure that your children would have the freedom to be Jewish and have the best opportunities in life. Your sacrifice of starting again and being a real immigrant in a new country not only ensured their material wellbeing but transmitted a strong sense of identity and meaning.

To our grandparents who are no longer here – but showed us the way either in person or through family folklore– you are here, you’re in our thoughts, our personalities, our memories and our hearts.

To our extended family – our sisters, brothers in law, nephews, nieces, uncles, aunts and cousins – the fact that you’ve traveled from far and wide to be with us – Los Angeles, Liverpool, London, Cape Town, Petach Tikva and in fact all over Israel – is typical of your ongoing presence and influence in our lives.

It is easy to go through life seeing the small picture - the arguments and quibbles - but looking back we can see how really very fortunate we are. Thank you.

And to Our Friends
Pirkei Avot teaches us Kane L’cha Chaver -- Acquire yourself a friend. At first glance this reads like a nightmare commercial from a consumer world gone awry however the common interpretation to this verse is far from it. Our rabbis merely recommend that one finds oneself a friend – a chavruta – with whom to face life’s adventures, with whom to fathom life’s mysteries head on, with whom to grow.

Both A and I have had the fortune to acquire many such friends. Friends who aren’t just in our lives but make our lives.

Friends who have shared our worries, quandaries, delights and passions. You are them.
Friends who have advised us, listened to us, discussed with and rejoiced with us. You are them.
Friends who have hosted us, fed us, nurtured us, taught us. You are them

You are too many to name but today we especially want to thank
- Friends who through them A and I met in the most natural non-Jdate kind of environment. You know who you are and you have a permanent invite to my parents home.
- Friends who have traveled from Toronto, New York and London – who’ve left fiancées and families behind - just to be with us today.
- Friends who have seen us through every detail of this occasion – from listening to hours (and hours) of dating dilemmas to choosing suits and invitation designs to doing so many things that i couldnt even have imagined when i wrote this speech to singing beautifully at the chupa and for leading it so well.

But our favorite thing about you – our family and friends – is how you’ve both become each other.

Our friends you are our family – you’re there for us on a daily basis doling out support , advice, chocolate – whatever’s needed. For the many of you who are already doing the married with kids bit you make us grateful that we have such incredible role models as we start our journey.

And our family you are our friends (or else we really wouldn’t have invited you!). And my parents could give a master class in how to make lifelong friends. There are too many people in this room who have known me all my life. I continue to confuse people when I speak of at least ten different aunties when my parents have only two siblings between them.

And now to you A.

You’re both
You’re my best friend
You’re my closest family.

Finding you has been a humbling process – one for which I thank G-d daily.
You’ve changed my life – you inspire me, reassure me, challenge me and make me a better person. Even more importantly you make me laugh.

As the verse that you chose from Eshet Chayil for our invitation says – Oz v’hadar levusha v’ tischak lyom acharon. I certainly look forward to laughing and playing with you for the rest of my days– we can discuss the strong and glorious clothes later on.

A, I know that one of the challenges of meeting me – apart from my accent, my work schedule and my clear lack of interest in discussing who will be this year’s MVP – has been meeting the many people in my life. You’ve shared with me that this can be overwhelming but I guess I brush it off because you seem to handle it so well.

I wonder, if you sometimes wonder, how exactly you fit in with all these other people around. Well, I’ve relied on our sages to elucidate things until this point but I hope you’ll forgive me if now I turn to the words of Lennon and McCartney to explain this koshi.

Though I know I’ll never lose affection, For people and things that went before. I know I’ll often stop and think about them. In my life I love you more.

To our friends and family – L’Chaim and lets dance!

conscious mrs A to be

2005-12-28T22:37:00.000+02:00

i'm getting married in 13 hours.

i am -- true to form -- awake in the early hours of the morning. but i guess if there was ever a night when it's normal not to sleep this would be it

despite the lack of sleep i am uncannily calm.

after months of arrangements, hard work and lots of crying the last 24 hours have been serene. i should probably give myself credit for a well planned end of planning that helped bring about this tranquil time (i should also give my friends and family credit for supporting my boundaries with that as they went out their way to make sure i didnt have to anything either)

this serenity began with a very positive mikva experience on tuesday night and continued with a wonderful holistic massage and jacuzzi early wednesday morning. the massage lady said she was going to do some energy healing to get my chakras in line and get rid of the "omes" (burden) off my shoulders. i dont know what she did exactly but she clearly performed a miracle as i was able to spend yesterday relaxing at home while friends popped in and called from abroad - and i didnt cry once.

the waves of love and affection that have been coming my way are overwhelming yet reassuring and calming. i feel so blessed

but i dont know if i've got anymore of a focus on my pending "mrs A" status though.
i wish i had the right deep thoughts, or felt that i handle on the enormity of this day, but i dont.
does anyone ever get that on the day?

i should probably put it on my list of things to give over, not to worry about, to just let happen.

yes thats my biggest challenge of the day is to just let it happen in a very conscious way. be there, be present, take things in to remember and cherish and then enjoy myself like crazy.

only questions

2005-12-07T21:47:00.000+02:00

i've just spent two days visiting different programs supported by the organization i work for in the jewish communities of kishinev and beltsy and my mind is spinning.

what are we doing here? how did jews get here, how are they still here and why? is this still a jewish community - if they have to be taught and the shul is on the bylines (how closed minded am i?) what is a community? can you consider it carrying on a chain having elderly people in day care centers singing a yiddishe mama and avinu malkeinu (and making me cry) while many of their children are far away or they have no one to carry it on? who is jewish? what is jewish? is it better to have a minority very orthodox and the rest secular or is broadly progressive/traditional better? is it ok for me to judge about a community who has next to no kosher facilities and bemoan their lack of discipline when i myslef do not to take on some halachot due to an equal lack?

what am i doing for my community - the poor and the elderly? am i as bad as those children - what do i do on a daily basis to build a jewish community or to care for the needy? did i - by moving to israel - seemingly relinquish this reponsibility to the state and the taxes i pay? how will i convey to my children the pride of being jewish without being super orthodox or rightwing or just plain wishywashy?

how do i communicate the need for support in what i write? how do i communicate it to others so they can write it? how can i be convincing but not shmaltzy? should that be a goal or do i need to just stop being cynical? is it false empathy when i think this could have been my family if someone hadnt made a wise decision at the end of the century? am i being sanctimonious by thinking about A's family who really could have been here far more recently? am i thinking about my wedding becasue i am really moved by the community i see and my role in that chain or is just because i have a selfish need to bring it back to me.

how does a country ever get out of poverty? what would have happened here if communism hadnt happened? should i be suspicious of non-jews here and just remember the progroms and the massacres or should i trust what the community says today -- those who are returning. the new israeli moldovans - big business men who dont know yet what it is to give to their community in a sustainable way.

how do i reconcile staying in this posh hotel when it costs the equivalent of a 7 months pension a night? should i just grow up and know that this is how the charity business works? maybe thats why i'm annoyed with myself that i'm wearing a shlochy dubon and not a smart business like coat. get over it already.

but the most difficult question is why have i just paid an extra 7 lei (approx 1-2 nis) just to stay in this internet cafe listening to a popped up version of TFF's everybody wants to rule the world while i obsessively look at onlysimchas.com? i hate that website. i feel nautious from the terminal clicking to find someone i know. is it a subconscious desire to connect with something i know -- some alternate but more recognizable form of jewish continuity -- even if it is one that makes me feel like an outsider?

or maybe my stomach is just turning after nearly two hours in front of this luminous screen.

time to log off. answers another time

less than a month

2005-12-05T04:53:00.000+02:00

its less than a month before we get married
its less than 12 hours before i go to kishinev for a three day work trip
i'm more than excited to go -- its a study trip really so it promises to be inspiring and a break.
i'm more than ready to get married already.

the last few months have whizzed by and dragged at the same time.

normal life is on hold as we are stuck between memories of the 'simple times' when we were just going out - frolicking in meadows with no worries in the world (it is remarkable how 5 months of alternate angst can be wiped by a selective engaged memory) and married life visualized as an oasis of time together not worrying about planning a gala event and just being (naive perhaps but amuse us we're pre-newly weds).

life has become one big checklist of minor details that i would never have imagined i could imagine, keep track of or care about. and scattered among these intricacies are even more lessons for A and I to learn.

thank g-d we do seem to be learning.

we may never have to plan something like this again but we've discovered things about ourselves on the way -- tendencies, traits, patterns, indiosyncracies -- that will be pertinent in the future. i think we're doing ok, becoming aware of them, helping each other make slight shifts amd adjustments, loving each other even when thats hard.

i keep thinking that if our biggest worry and annoyance in life is planning our wedding we will be doing very well so with all the moaning its a good basic training to have gone through.

the best thing we're doing now is trying to focus on being present and conscious at the time. being aware of the celebration that it is without guilting ourselves or expecting too much. letting go of the ifs and the buts and getting ready to enjoy what will be.

its less than a month....

thanks

2005-11-13T08:34:00.000+02:00

thank god for...

sleep when it happens (and good pills when it doesnt)
a (computer) mouse that works
flexi-hours (even if there are too many of them)
A
forgiving blog readers that trust that if the first three things happen enough you may see me blog again

shavua tov

L x

bring your toothbrush but no flashlights

2005-10-25T22:29:00.000+02:00

we interupt our month of silence for a brief chizuk to many of our readers

to all current and ex zionist youth movement types
a memo regarding your participation in and planning of wide games, "get out of russia" type station tochniot and generally any kind of simulation game that involves children completing ostensibly impossible and clearly imbecelic tasks just to get whats rightfully theirs.

please ignore all those 'adults' and cynics who have told you that the above activity is frivolous, uneducational and totally unrelated to real life.

intense undercover work by our staff at the jerusalem bet din has revealed that these activities are possibly the best preparation for surviving a morning in this oft (and understandably) reviled institution. in fact based on this research we would like to offer the following suggested additions in order to make these worthy operations even more beneficial for future generations of budding zionists and sadists.

1) be sure that all people manning the stations speak under their breath and incoherently.

2) have said incoherent people give participants a form that they must fill out in a foreign language (ie not english or hebrew or any they can write) before they can open an official file.

3) request that participants have this form stamped by someone who also doesnt understand before they go to see the 'expert' who can actually read and write said language.

4) when said form is finally filled in by expert (contestants will realize that they have to take initiative and skip out the stamping person) make sure the expert (however nice he turns out to be) is forbidden from giving his approval to them personally but rather have him fax it down 3 flights of stairs to original incoherent person

5) ensure that participants queue another hour to meet again with original incoherent person.

6) have original incoherent person reprimand them several times for filling in this form before opening a file.

7) once file is filled in have participants queue again 5 feet to the left of original incoherent person in order to pick up fax to give back to him.

8) finally place a security guard in charge of the lines of participants who looks and acts uncannily like a mental patient on his day out from 'the home'.

yes indeed add just one of these steps to your endeavour and your participants will not only bond better as a team but they will discover all sort of tendencies to violence, cursing and even voting for shinui that they themselves had no idea about!

Hasham Imachem!

staying conscious

2005-09-24T23:00:00.000+03:00

we got engaged in june
we're getting married in december
add the 5 and carry the 1 and this equals a 7 month engagement

in a bizarre demonstration of the polar cultures that i come from and live in, the length of this engagement period has aspired distinct reactions from israeli and UK residents.

israelis think we're crazy -- what are you going to do for 7 months. call us up in november and we'll talk details then.

english people think i'm pregnant -- whats the rush, and you've only known him 5 months? do you have time to get everything planned. we'd love to come but we already scheduled our christmas break holiday 2005 in 2002.

personally i'm finding this length of time just fine thank you. this maybe to do with the fact that i also started a new job in August (same workplace different position) which has fair consumed alot of my energies, life and will to carry on. ho hum... its getting better.

but i even think that new job aside i wouldnt have wanted to do this any quicker.

i am discovering that being engaged is a bit like a hot water on my psychological wounds. its bringing everything to the top that needs to be dealt with and cared for, and in some cases ejected right out of the system.

and you cant even prepare yourself for it.
i thought i had.

a wise friend on hearing of my happy news called me up and insisted on lending me this book --the conscious bride. a must read for all women in pre-nuptual state, it goes into great detail as to how emotional turmoil is a given for a new bride and that it shouldnt be suppressed although it is western culture's tendency to do just that. this is a time of grief, loss, separation, hard to label emotions and other confusion which do not mean that you've made a wrong decision just that along with this incredibly right decision comes a huge amount of transition and adjustment.

so i read it and it helped. it definitely explained my random crying bouts and helped me approach the wedding planning in a calmer fashion. i told everyone about it. i sent it to a friend getting married in england. i even started planing the lecture tours.

yes i thought i had it worked out. i'd read about it so i was ready to be in control of this expected out of control state.
but i'm not.

i am discombobulated to say the least.

i never expected anything could get as intense as this, even as i have what i want -- A. does not cease to be a funny caring perceptive tower of strength and i feel eternally blessed to be with him.

and it is not relevant to go into the exact details of the issues that i am facing but suffice to say that they are difficult, frustrating, painful and hard... and yet it feels right.

i know i'm going to get through this and wonderful things wait for me on the other side.

but sometimes i just want to crawl up into a ball and not deal.

on missing blogging

2005-09-06T00:26:00.000+03:00

i miss blogging

its been so long but i just didnt want to write an 'i'm sorry i havent blogged' posts. i shouldnt need to explain my life

i've thought about writing up my post of 'things to do in ny when you're engaged' -- it was going to be full of great links and look i even had a cool title
i've thought about trying to express how wierd being engaged is. the emotions, the sense of going over to the dark side. one day a militant single, the next a smug married in the making
i've thought about finally writing about those things about religious zionism that i never finally wrote out and so now i am forced to read all those post-disengagement soul searching where finally everybody's writing about what i've been thinking if not saying for years

all this thinking and no ones going to read it because you've all given up this blog anyway.

when i created this blog this time last year, just before an existential crisis involving near drowning in my own tears and breakfast across the table from my parents in a florence hotel, was '32 and then some' a limited yet prophetic title?

was it always going to be just a matter of time before this thing fizzled out because my life was fizzling up?

whos to say -- afterall its hardly sane reasons that have kept me away. but i cant say more than that otherwise i contradict line 2

oh well this is a start.

small screen is better than nothing

2005-07-28T07:41:00.000+03:00

no i am not quoting a hallmark director trying to convince a hollywood hasbeen to star in his tv movie.

having had a wonderful month away from home and work i returned to find a computer screen that had decided to take the same route, and not come back. the truth is, since i dropped said screen on the floor sometime in the summer of 2003 - resulting in a permanent black dot and psychedelic haze at the bottom of the screen - i've known that its been living on borrowed time.

thus for a week i have been (home) computer less. to be honest it was quite relaxing because settling back into things and adjusting body clocks takes up enough time and energy as it is, however there is a limit to how long a girl can remain offline.

so blessed be the gods of advancing computer technology and speedy fashions. thanks to the introduction of 17" screens there are an abundance of 14" screens knocking around my workplace with nothing to do. ever willing to help those who have been abandoned i have adopted one of those said screens and i am staring at it lovingly as we speak.

yay!

it maybe small but its doing the job ;-). anyway hopefully by the time i get round to getting too annoyed, the flat screen revolution will hit israel en mass and i'll get a 17" back again...

on being human

2005-07-08T07:24:00.000+03:00

i dont think it is an exaggeration to say that i grew up on london underground.

for seven years of my life, from the age of 11-18 i travelled for at least 2 hours each day to and from school on the underground, or as londoners refer to its extensive subway, the tube. my particular stomping ground included the metropolitan line and the circle lines between baker street and euston square - those directly targeted by thursday's horrific attacks.

there is a common phenomenon after terror incidents whereby people talk about how they could have been there. even when clearly they were nowhere near on the day, they still talk about their connections to the site and how they or their family or their neighbors are somehow intricately linked to the place and thats why its all the more shocking.

i hate this. i find the need to contextualize something in one's own world in order to provoke meaning selfish and egotistical. my disdain for this self-centered response is probably behind my cultivated subdued and often muted response to all forms of terror incidents in israel.

i found out about the attacks in london as i was boarding a domestic U.S. flight and learned more about the disaster on various satellite tv channels during the flight. as i heard familiar place names mispronouced by several international reporters and then, having arrived in LA at A's family, tried to explain that 'no my family was nowhere near but...' i realized that in addition to being selfish and egotistical the need to identify was an unavoidable and genuinely human reaction.

for even though i havent lived in london for over ten years and not used london underground on a regular basis for nearly 15 years; even though my parents live and work in the suburbs and the school that i went to in the center of London moved two years ago to right near my parents house; even though london being the huge populous place that it is i am pretty certain i wont know anyone directly involved; my history in the city has lef t me feeling inexplicably affected by these atrocious acts -- somehow i feel a diluted yet distinct version of the 'it could have been me - you violated my world' sensation.

--------------------

as a teenager the tube was a magical entity between parents at home and teachers at school. it was a land where i forged friendships, did homework, argued the cruleties of netball/swim on a winter wednesday, lost many a PE kit, travel card, calculator (much to my mothers wrath and dismay), discussed boys and generally grew up.

i have such clear memories of the trains and the stations. i remember when they were cleaned up so that the colour of the bars matched the line -- yellow for circle, claret for metropolitan, a kind of pink for hammersmith and city cos no-one really knew which line they were.

i remember how our relationship with the journey evolved as we grew up.
-- as earnest 1st years we'd arrive at baker street, jump off the train and run (see bulldoze all other life forms) anxiously from the metropolitan line platform to quickly catch that circle line via Liverpool Street train screaming 'hold the doors' as we charged lest we lose a second in our mission to get to the station in the quickest time possible.
-- as nonchalant third years if we felt like it we might stay on to Kings Cross and change to the northern line through to camden town so we could meet different friends.
-- as mature fifth years with major exams looming we'd be secretly relieved that there was a "man on the tracks" at edgware road which would mean major delays, possibly leading us to miss maths first period.

even as the news announcers talked about the terror attack at aldgate, i couldnt help by think of the glamour and luxury of 'an algate' - a direct train which allowed me the luxury of finding a seat at northwick park, my home station with no need to move until the final destination.

for want of better words and at risk of losing all street cred by quoting a terribly sappy madonna song, these stations used to be my playground, they used to be my childhood home.

--------------------

thursday's events were abhorrent and no less understandable than any that have come before and will (g-d forbid, although my trust is cynical) happen again.

my thoughts are with those who mourn loved ones who were killed, to those still looking for missing relatives and to those injured in the attacks who, as my experience in israel has led me to believe, may carry the heaviest burden of all.

i should be able to say and feel these emotions equally, whereever such attacks take place. if this is not always the case -- then forgive me, i guess i've discovered that i'm human.

happiness and understanding real comedy

2005-07-04T15:28:00.000+03:00

objectively my life is crazy and surreal.
i'm following up all my news from my last post with a month's vacation in the States, Canada and UK.... not with A. i told you - crazy.
and if that were not crazy enough on a larger than life kind of scale, the guilt that is accompanying me on this trip is even crazier.

my original aim for this trip -- planned before i met A -- was comedy: to watch, to write, to do a workshop or two and to perform. and yet this doesnt seem to be happening quite like i planned

certain parameters have changed

1) physically: my time in ny is shorter as in addition to visiting some friends and catching a family wedding i'm also meeting A's family which includes a 4 day trip to LA (much to moan about, not!)
2) mentally: i must acknoweldege the need to relax post engagement and before getting back to a new job and a ton of responsiblity
3) emotionally: i just dont feel so funny or at the least in the mood for writing that i thought that i would

#s 1 and 2 are understandable but #3 was the most worrying -- and has brought about much guilt ... i should be writing my blog, i should be writing reams, i should be doing everything possible, i shouldnt be spending too much money etc etc etc.

the thought that finding the love of my life had possibly killed my comic creativity was mind-crippling and my lack of writing inspiration shocking especially as my whole writing 'thang' was kickstarted by the non-stop jotting down of adventures that enveloped me when i traveled three years ago.

fear not, for wisdom of friends given to be along the way (and the grace of g-d which allows me to eventually hear them) has persuaded me that this is not in fact the case. in particular one conversation caught with a dear confidante during her lunchbreak somewhere in midtown NY last week shed much light on the issue. as she put it -- you cant be that funny when you're happy. think about it, comedians may bring much laughter to the world but its mostly as they kvetch and moan about their life anxsts. we laugh as their trials resonate with us and we gain some relief from ours.

so what does that mean for me? does it mean a life of warmth and happiness with A but no more comedy, or vice versa (which i dont even want to type out in case of tempting fate)???

well luckily it means neither.

what it does mean, is that while at this point in my life i am incredibly happy and grateful for the gifts that i am receive daily, one day (probably as work and wedding plans get going again) there will be once again:

increasing number of days where i could easily strangle pollyanna rather than play her MB all time favorite glad game.
times that will get me swearing and cursing (depending on whether there are brits or americans in the room -- with israelis i'll use both).
life events that will extend even further comically than my single routine to make 'em laugh

basically, however good things are now, their essence may remain while everyday comedy inspiring reality will also be able to creep back in.

phew... i dont need to deconstruct my genuinely happy state just for the sake of my craft, relief indeed/

my job now is to simply appreciate this reprieve from half-glass-empty life and trust that when i need it for material it will be there again.

doesnt get much crazier!

Absolutely not same old

2005-06-10T07:10:00.000+03:00

Part 1
In which she skips over any explanations or excused for her paucity of blogging of late and cuts to the chase that her life has become.

I survived a winter without putting on the weight I lost in the fall
I got a promotion at work and am now officially middle management
I'm getting married.
Chabad called me up and ask me if I'd plan their gala welcome back event for the Rebbe

I am ecstatically happy.

He's wonderful (I dont mean Schneerson) but for the sake of the marriage having any kind of chance of surviving he will remain the elusive A on this blog. (I am yet to come up with a cutesy blog partner nickname aka mousespouse or mrs anglosaxy and am not entirely sure I want to.)

Part 2
In which she gives a leetle leetle beet more detail in whats been happening in her life and insights thereof, soon to follow (really.... I'm going to NY in less than two weeks specifically to have time to read, write, think and be creative so I promise i will have time to do this)

same old

2005-05-10T20:57:00.000+03:00

its yom hazikaron this evening - memorial day for israel's soldiers and victims of terror.

many people i know dont do anything to mark the day apart from stopping for the sirens. maybe that just means nothing publically. whos to know what they're thinking and who am i to judge. so bygones, but i guess for me an action is required and my action of choice it so go to a local ceremony in the neighborhood i live in.

i've been attending this ceremony for 10 years. it used to be held in the basketball courts just by my (now) house. now its a couple of minutes further down the road outside the local community center. i like it. its not pretentious, even slightly boring, yet familiar and warm.

i like it because its genuine and what this day is all about. community coming together to mark shared loss. the personal and the communal are mixed well as representatives from local organizations such as jerusalem municipality, youth movements and ulpan etzion offer their thoughts together as the father of a woman soldier stabbed in a terrorist incident in these very streets 15 years ago recites kaddish.

the crowd is mixed - religious and secular, ashkenazi and sephardi, rich and poor, old and young, sabras and olim. the list of some 50 names which is read out of locals people killed in action, training accident or terrorist attack since the founding of the state i sense is less diverse.

i'm not a political being so perhaps this is why this day appeals to me - this is not a day to look for solutions. its just a time grieve the craziness of it all without laying blame. as i come home to a television full of home movies about fallen soldiers and terror victims this is the time to put politics aside and just realize how much potential we're wasting.

if these brothers, sisters, sons and daughters whose lives were cut tragically short were really such incredible people then there must be many more people out there who are still alive that we need to celebrate now. and if somehow hearing their stories connects us to our country and our people lets search for more postive ways to do this daily.

Yehi Zichram Baruch

confirmation

2005-04-22T08:11:00.000+03:00

thank you lord for sending me what i needed to hear as i go into another pesach, as i hope to move from slavery to freedom.

oprah (aka new age ministress) in an interview with queen latifa just confirmed the following... and i quote

"32 is when you come into yourself and at 35 you're there."

amen!
dayenu!

nearly as inspiring as this more conventional (or maybe thats relative) pesach message that i read in this highly recommended hagaddah. dr joel ziff, says as follows:

Pesach of liberation from slavery in Egypt, which marks the birth of the
Jewish nation, also serves as a symbol for all the periods of exile and
redemption in Jewish history. As such, the Exodus represents deliverance; not
just from oppression in Egypt, but from all exiles and oppressions in the past,
in the present, and in the future. These events, which mark the turning points
in the development of the Jewish people, are also symbolic of critical points in
our own lives. As it says in the Haggadah, “Each of us is obligated to consider
ourselves as coming out of Egypt”. This transformation, the psychologist says,
is embodied in the passages we transverse as we give birth to ourselves: in
leaving home, in career changes, in marriage, divorce, in birth, sickness,
death, addiction and recovery from trauma.

Life can be overwhelming, sometimes leaving us feeling defeated,
hopeless and depressed -- in many ways feeling as the enslaved Israelites in
Egypt. Viewing our lives through the mirror of the Egyptian experience, we can
grasp onto a positive transformation through the Exodus story.

thats powerful....
get the hagaddah or apparently this book has more of the idea.

happy matza to you all!

good bye ehud

2005-04-13T22:37:00.000+03:00

today i feel israeli
and i'm sad.
there's been no terror, no outright chutzpa, no crazy financial injustice, no unbearable weather.

today i feel israeli
and i'm sad.
because ehud manor died

every now and again in any country, an icon - maybe a tv star, an author or an artist - passes away and people are really affected. not because this person was a political or religious leader determining the country's fate or direction, but because he/she was an inseperable part of their childhood, their upbringing, their moulding as a person, their very basic cultural reference.

although i've lived in israel for quite a while now, i've grown used to still being an outsider when it comes to these kind of things.
for example:

- i may know that tzipi shavit was *the* children's presenter when israelis my age were young, but her songs will never resonate with me half as much as george, zippy and bungle or even floella benjamin.

- i can sing along with danny sanderson when he performs at a purim work event and hails back to his kaveret days, but i just cant close my eyes and remember where i was when listening to poogy playing on the radio and tv.

- i can laugh at tal brody's terrible israeli accent, even after all these years, but i can't remember the thrill and excitement he brought to the country when he led maccabi to its first ever european cup championship in 1977.

but ehud manor was different.

this is the first time that an israeli cultural icon has died and i think i feel the loss like any other israeli because i really feel like i grew up with ehud manor. and not just because he wrote israel's first eurovision hit abanabi back in 1978 (although i, like any other proud, identifying and self-respecting british jew, do remember that momentous occasion.)

i will miss ehud manor because i owe my knowledge of anything musical and israeli to ehud manor.

just as i can trace my english music tastes back to journeys in the car with my dad listening to 4 seminal tapes; i can trace my education in israeli music to a tape of ehud manor songs recorded for me by a boyfriend on kibbutz back in 1990.

the tape was brit olam - a collection of ehud manor songs sung by an array of israeli music stars including matti caspi, yehudit ravitz, gidi gov to name a few. it was a varied group of songs - some slow, fast, serious, loving, joking - different to what i was used to but i listened to it fervently and as it soon became the soundtrack to my year in israel. and as i pined for israel in my first (rather miserable) year back in england i bought the next cassette in the collection and devoured it even more, together with all the other tapes i had bought by then by israeli artists that that first tape had led me to.

it was simple: ehud manor's music conjured up for me all the smells, sounds, thoughts and feelings that i associated with the country that would become my home just three years later.

later on, i would find out that he was also the huge talent behind many clever hebrew musical translations such as blood brothers, hair - which i saw with same boyfriend in the cinerama in tel aviv (except by that time we were just friends or perhaps more accurately oblivious guy and obsessed women) - and even far more recently chicago. and his talent didnt stop with music. ehud was also responsible for high quality hebrew adaptations of theater including shakespeare, harold pinter and tennessee williams.

ehud manor was one of the few israelis that one would consistently hear good things about. he succeeded in appealing to a broad range of israeli society (another no-mean feat) and he was associated with excellence and modesty, outstanding traits indeed.

through his music ehud helped me begin to understand israeli society. he also represented some of the things that i wished we saw more of in that society.

today i feel israeli
and i'm sad.
good bye ehud.

matching hairdos

2005-04-09T20:05:00.000+03:00

as i've taken an unintentional break from blogging over the last few weeks some part of me feels i owe you -- or maybe me -- some kind of explanation for this abandonment of task.

the truth is, that 'some part' is far tinier than in the past (or this past, or this past) but i was looking for a segueway to get back into things anyway. so here goes....

well actually i don't really have one -- i've been genuinely busy and thus as apparantly blog-directed creative inspiration has not sufficiently outweighed my to do list, ergo lack of post.

that said this may be a good time to confess the one detail that has affected my overall blogging in past months.

i'm seeing someone.
again i only feel a need to admit this: a) now that a decent(ish) amount has past in said venture and b) due to a sense of loyalty to my readership given posts such as this or this.

i'm not going to go into any more detail becaue i honestly dont feel the need or desire to bare all here when thank g-d i have several marvelous friends who have provided more than their fair share of 24/7 counselling services (aka wonderful commening to my f2f blogging).

i am also aware that said someone is more than happy at his lack of mention and cherishes his genuine anonymity on this blog so in the interests of more good things in the future i aim to maintain this status.

i know this is not the juicy stuff that voyeruristic blog readership (hey i'm one of them) hangs about for but sorry c'est la vie.

this is your bone, consider it thrown.

oh ok....... one more thing. but just cos i like you.

as said someone is of american persuasion , he is being slowly exposed to the depths of real british culture, part of which has been an education on the ever rivetting royal family.

so having covered the basics e.g. "will camilla ever be queen?", in light of today's historical events, let me move on and say, that despite recent evidence to the contrary (see pic) the question "are his and hers hairdos a british tradition?", has the same unambiguous answer.

NO!!!

2000 year old woman

2005-03-18T16:07:00.000+02:00

the title of this post plays on the comic genius of brooks and reiner, not because i feel i'm quite at the point in my comedy career that i can challenge these masters, but merely as some form of consolation and distraction as i pretend that the country i live in is not really as archaeic and lacking in creativity than i fear it is.

no, i do not refer to the pending disengagement, the recent yad vashem bash (although i appreciated harry's take on it), or even our drivers' ongoing success in surpassing terror in killing literally hundreds of israelis a year.

i am talking about women in israel.

my feelings as to why i think israeli women are incredibly patronised and disempowered - so much so they dont even realize it - arent too coherent but i do feel that pseudo equalities such as army service seem to blur over the fact that many, many women in israeli society put up with and even help cultivate norms that are just simply unacceptable in other sane western societies.

i'm not sure whether it's: our very low ranking (especially compared to israeli men) health status; constant patronization through advertising ( i couldnt find a link to the appauling borderline racist telma adverts for some kind of health bar but when i do i'll post it); arseholes like a former boss of mine who'd refer to a room full of seasoned female nurses and health professionals as "banot" (girls), to lack of protest ; international women's day being marked at the university by makeovers and rape crisis booths (outlining the two main roles for women in israel) or the plainly misguided attitudes of women in tel aviv who feel they can dictate whats in about being cool and single and then return home to their long term boyfriends, but i cant get over just how women in this country not only contend with fifty's style 2nd class citizenship but seem to think that its all ok and even relish their role.

why this venom today you ask?

well as i waited to have my car washed, i was reading the weekend section of the israeli tabloid yediot. i happened upon the family section which this week was all about dressing up. no, it was not a special about what to do when daddy's a cross dresser, its the fun and wacky festival of purim this week.

anyway there was an "ask it" type section in the column which literally had me gobsmacked. in translation it went something like this:

this year my daughter wants to dress up as electricity.
how can i make such a costume?
--- mother who doesnt know how to sew

dear mother who doesnt know how to sew,
simply explain to her that electricity cant put on lipstick, powder, sparkles or blusher and she will go off the idea soon enough.

there's so much to make my blood boil here but i'm afraid if i write to complain she'll (gali@yeditoth.co.il) just tell me what temperature to set my oven at to get that boil just right.

truth is, that as i write this i realize its more than the women issue that makes me mad here. this is a typical example of israeli lack of sophistication or depth. costumes in the old country were all about creativity and originality. what an amazing idea - a kid is thinking about abstract concepts like electricity. its a great lead for a parent-child discussion which could then lead to a plethora of costumes that they could make together -- dress up as a an electricity bill (that would require a huge costume of course), a pylon or how about wearing a whole vat of sparkles and daring to go abstract???

instead this wonderfully imaginitive thought is crushed by an israeli family columnist ( i assume expert, eek) eager to encourage the nightmare that we see each purim -- kids sporting unoriginal superhero or disney type costumes which have been bought or made for them by their paretns so they can keep up with joneses as they take them to parties that they dont even know why they're having.

oy, i may need to vent on this more but alas alack the sabbath calls so for now i must sign off......

funny on the inside

2005-03-16T13:50:00.000+02:00

just sent an email out trying to drum up (comedy) business for this summer and included a link to this. (which goes even further to show my schizophrenic feelings towards the anonymity of this whole thing.)

seemed fine at the time, especially as i had attached my fabulously updated flyer which included an unearthed Haaretz quote, "She stole the show" - how did i ever miss that when preparing my publicity material?

anyway am now panicked because it occurred to me that most people are far more linkclicky happy than PDF savvy so the chances are (as reflected by sitemeter logs) they've come to check this blog out. would be ok but the last couple of entries have been of the pensive variety as opposed to my often hilarious yet insightful posts.

oy woe
will they be interested in a comedienne who sometimes ponders at the set up (the non funny part of the joke) in her spare time...

oy the pressure
i cant even think of a funny way to finish this off as some form of saving grace.

bugger

wherefore to blog take 2

2005-03-08T08:01:00.000+02:00

why blog?
its a question i get asked a lot.
not that i feel that i'm such a blogger these days. or to quote a friend "proficient bloggers blog daily".

yes my non-prolific state has been an expression of the struggles i'm having about how personal i can get in these columns and if not, whats the point? how is it helping me? (ie do i need to just post stuff to entertain others). the jury's still out but meanwhile i'm going to throw out two things that relate to where i'm holding at the moment.

1) this post. i feel alot for the writer (who i know) and worry if the bizarre way of sharing in a relationship is really what things have really come to.

2) a synchronous IM conversation i had with my father this morning. (please note while obligatory chat about state of weather has been deleted it really was him that raised the topic)

Dad says: tell me you any ifdea how many people read yr blog?
LG says: theres a counter
LG says: why?
LG says: do you?
Dad says: yes
LG says: thoughts?
Dad says: vey interesting
LG says: care to elaborate?
Dad says: its a bit like baring yr soul to the world at times and at others being yr very own newspaper columnist
Dad says: do u think most who read it know who u are
LG says: yes, i think unfortunately although there are some who dont
LG says: i like to pretend that they're the majority
Dad says: is the blog you or an alter ego
LG says: in general me
LG says: which is why its not really as personal as it could be
LG says: i definitely censor myself
Dad says: how can somthing be truly personal if open to the world
LG says: as in not so much because its me but becasue people know me
LG says: i kind of regret telling people i know
Dad says: so what were you trying to achieve - just self expression or more?
LG says: i'm not sure too much thought went in but self expression was definitely part of it. my first post explains some of my thinking
LG says: its evolved though
Dad says: it wouldnt be difficult for any anglosaxon Yerushalmi to work out who you are
Dad says: after all how many people do comedy in Har Nof?
LG says: whatever
Dad says: rather like one of those diaries intended for publication except that this is instantaneous!
LG says: yeh something like that

burning desires

2005-03-08T07:21:00.000+02:00

and for today a story about self doubt.

what's your burning desire?
what things do you really care about?

wow deep questions, she thought. tachlis questions. finally someone who had stripped away all the bullshit - like what did you study at university, how many siblings do you have, were you into duran duran in the eighties? - and reached in to find out about HER.

he really wanted to know who she was, what made her tick, click - any sound, just what.
she was flattered, complimented, excited so much so she wanted to answer straight away, respond immediately, offer a waterfall of words, get closer through sharing this intimate knowledge.

but then she felt silence. words didnt come. what was her burning desire? oh come on now she must have something? what did she really care about? anything she thought of seemed trite, fake or just not entirely true. but how could she not have these? surely they must appear somewhere - on a resume somewhere or on a piece of paper scribbled down during traffic jam inspiration. she must have a raison d'etre. she wasnt just plodding through life, was she?

it didnt make sense. she'd spent the best part of the last decade trying to find herself, get in touch, relearn a healthy way to live. she felt better from it, no doubt. she was breaking the mould and going to lead life how she wanted. she'd achieved many personal victories and it was onwards and upwards. so how could she be floundering at this first pivotal test?

maybe she just wasnt there yet - hadnt tapped that far. or maybe she was living it already. or maybe ... going out on a bit of limb here... it was a combination.

she thought carefully and tried to word it succinctly. i have a burning desire to live life as i choose. a burning desure to be open to the opportunities that the universe has to offer and not be bulldozed down by self-doubt while waiting for clarity. or how about "a burning desire to live life without doubt". she was sure that some cliched email footer about dancing like theres no tomorrow said it more poetically but this worked for her.

would he understand? did it matter? did he really need for her to have clear cut answers? would he think any less of her?

at this moment in time she wasn't sure but as she read the sentence again she realized that as a first step to her newly stated goal she was willing to take the chance.

modern technology

2005-02-25T05:26:00.000+02:00

thank god i'm an insomniac in the 21st century

its 5 am on a friday morning (akin to sunday in normal countries) and i'm chatting on im with a friend in new york and another in new zealand.
if it were 2 am i would call a friend in toronto for a chat.
and of course anytime is good to write e-mails to anyone anywhere.

hardly a second in the day when i cant connect with friends

wow
i feel globally warmed